Learning Leadership

My Story of Being Discipled (part 3)

Today's post continues a three part series titled, My Story of Being Discipled. To read yesterday's post, go here.

I believe the most important mark of a productive discipleship environment is that the person being discipled must have a desire to grow.

If the person being discipled lacks motivation and desire to grow, then the discipleship relationship will go nowhere. One of the reasons that I believe my relationship has been productive with Steve is that I have been hungry to grow. Even though Steve came to me and offered to disciple me, I have not taken his offer lightly. I take every opportunity that I possibly can to learn and grow from him.

Another important element that I believe a discipleship relationship should have is that the person giving the discipling must have a sincere interest in the disciple. In my relationship with Steve, I have always felt that he has a genuine desire to serve me. He always offers his time to me for free and he even tries to purchase his own coffee when we meet (which I never let him do). If Steve offered the discipling with a strong interest in his personal gain, I do not think that I would have allowed Steve to have as much of an influence on my life.

Because I know Steve is altruistic in his offer to help me, his suggestions and insight mean much more to me than it would if I felt he was trying to get something out of our relationship or if he had some type of a secret agenda he was trying to fulfill. Knowing that a desire to grow and a sincere interest are important to have in discipling relationships, I hope to make those part of the future discipling relationships I am involved in.

I am fortunate that my friend, John Calhoun, asked me to disciple and mentor him. I feel honored and am grateful that he would look to me for guidance and insight about how to live a righteous life that allows him and his family to reach their goals.

Going forward with my relationship with John, I want these two elements in our relationship: 1) John’s desire to learn, and, 2) my sincere desire to serve him. I want to see that John has a desire to learn by him making progress and following through on his action items that he is assigned between our meetings. And I want to show him that I have a sincere desire to help him by asking him what I can do to serve him and clearing explaining to him that I expect nothing in return as a result of our relationship.

For three and a half years I have been the beneficiary of a discipling relationship that started with me sharing my vision with Steve. I am grateful for his help and I can clearly see the positive difference (and the strong need) that discipleship makes in the life of someone before becoming a Christian and shortly after making that decision. Now, I am grateful for the opportunity that I have to foster a great discipling relationship with John going forward.

Question: I am interested to hear of any type of mentor or discipleship relationship you have benefited from? 

My Story of Being Discipled (part 2)

Today's post continues a three part series titled, My Story of Being Discipled. To read yesterday's post, go here.

Characterizing the relationship Steve and I have is difficult to do because it does not fit into one single category.

My professor in a Current Evangelism and Discipleship Class often taught us that rarely do we lock into one category of relationship with someone. Instead, it is very common, as Nancy says, that our relationship with someone discipling or mentoring us will have several different elements and characteristics to it. 

In their book, Connecting: The Mentoring Relationships You Need to Succeed, authors Paul Stanley and Robert Clinton outline eight different types of mentoring relationships that someone might engage in. Most of my time with Steve consists of a coach or teacher type of relationship. When we started off our relationship most of the time Steve was coaching me through the new situations I was experiencing and teaching me the skills that I wanted to learn. Through that Steve would coach me and bring out the elements of my character that I needed to have for assertiveness and conflict resolution. Even though Steve does impart a lot of wisdom to me as a teacher, he often says that he learns as much from me as I learn from him. For instance, he often learns about his own coaching and teaching as he sees in writing the things that he often only says.

The model of discipleship that definitely works best for me is when I am able to have a relationship with the other person and ask questions. As I shared earlier, the way I am discipled by Steve is highly dependent on me coming to him with situations and questions. I usually come to him with about half a page of questions. Steve is someone with great wisdom and insight, and I always want to tap into that wisdom for the situation that I am in. 

As a young man and a new Christian, I have a strong desire to be a strong Christian leader, but I do not always know what that looks like. Steve has helped me by showing me what I need to do and what habits I need to possess to be a strong Christian man and leader. That is why I always take time to think through what is going on in my life and then ask Steve to help me with that. And, from what Steve tells me, he appreciates that I do that. He does not have to give as much effort to keep me accountable as other men he disciples because I put in the work on my own, and that fosters the positive relationship that we enjoy and each mutually benefit from.

Based on what I have shared thus far, I agree with Ogden when he shares that “Discipleship is fundamentally a relational process.”[1] I know that Steve has my back. He cares for me, believes in me, and he is going to walk with me through whatever I am going through. When Steve and I get together we start our time by sharing how our month has been going and what we have been up to. In addition to that, Steve and I regularly pray together and for each other.

In a way, we are a team working together where Steve offers discipleship to me while I help him to clarify his thinking by writing his quotes and giving them back to him. Through this process, Steve provides tremendous encouragement to me as a leader. Through Steve’s encouragement, he acts out the same process that the apostle Paul follows when Ogden describes, “Paul’s parental discipling model always had the goal of encouraging people to become all they were intended to be in Christ.”[2] I feel this type of parental encouragement in Steve’s influence on my life.

He always believes in me more than I believe in myself. He definitely has a desire to see me grow up and flourish as a Christian who has all the tools and practices necessary to be an effective Christian leader.

Question: What's your story of being discipled? Has someone believed in you more than you believed in yourself?

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[1] ibid 67

[2] ibid 116

My Story of Being Discipled (part 1)

It was a spring afternoon when I shared with two men my vision for the work that I wanted to do in the future.

I shared with them my desire to serve leaders through writing books and teaching. Shortly after that day, one of the two men privately approached me and shared that he saw some leadership giftedness in me, and he wanted to coach me to help maximize my effectiveness as a leader. I gratefully accepted his offer knowing little about the drastic change that was about to take place in my professional and spiritual life.

For the past three and a half years I have been fortunate to benefit from a discipleship relationship with Steve Elliott who serves as President of Church Assistance Ministry and as a staff pastor at Enclave Community Church. The relationship that Steve and I have enjoyed has been extremely beneficial to me and played a crucial role in allowing me to make a commitment in November of 2009 to follow Jesus.

When Steve and I first began meeting, we only talked about leadership. In fact, the relationship did not start out as a formal “discipling” relationship. However, the topics of our conversations slowly turned more and more towards God over the years. Every opportunity that Steve had to bring up Jesus, he did. Through the process of meeting with Steve I began to realize more and more that Steve has great wisdom to share.

I perceive Steve’s insight and discernment as very valuable. So I work very hard to maximize our time together so I may glean as much as possible from him.

When we meet, I usually prepare for our time the by writing about four topics:

1. Here’s What I Learned: I write the notes that I took from the last time that Steve and I met, 
2. Here’s What I Did: This is a list of the things that I have actively done and experienced since our last meeting, 
3. Here’s What I Learned: These are the things I have learned since we last met relating to what he said and what I have experienced, and 
4. Here’s What I Need Coaching On: These are questions and situations that I am looking for him to help me with by sharing wisdom, suggestions, and insight. 

These lists tell Steve exactly what I am going through, what I am learning, and where he can help. Recording our time together in this way also helps Steve to see his own words in writing so he knows what he is teaching.

The relationship Steve and I share is a great example of what Greg Odgen talks about when he states that we need people to live with us and guide us in our early years. As he writes, “a necessary and pivotal element in providing the motivation and discipline to grow self-initiating, reproducing, fully devoted followers of Jesus comes only through personal involvement.”[1] Steve provides that investment in me by spending his time, energy, and money on me.

Although Steve and I began meeting in March of 2008, I did not accept Christ until November of 2009. This means he was involved in my life before I was a Christian, when I did become a Christian, and since then. With that in mind, Steve has played a crucial role in showing me what it means to make a commitment to Christ. Steve showed me what it means to be a Christian leader who has had a life of ministry. And, that picture is a picture that I wanted to be part of. It was something that I wanted to be involved and included in because of the unique relationship Steve and I had.

Question: Please share your story of being discipled? 

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[1] Greg Ogden, Transforming Discipleship: Making Disciples a Few at a Time (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 2003), 55.

Make Time for Mentors

Free time to meet with mentors is not always easy to come by, so this is something that I have learned to schedule.  I meet with one mentor in person monthly, and follow other other mentors who I do not know through their books and talks.

If you have a mentor that you are serious about spending time with, you need to do two things:

1. Schedule time to meet with the mentor; and
2. Schedule time to prepare for the mentor

Mentors are people who have a wealth of information, much of which you hope to tap into.  But, my bet is that you don't because you don't take the time to prepare for your mentor.

Always plan to spend two hours of preparation for every hour you are going to spend with your mentor.  Use this time to prepare questions, think through what he said at your last meeting, and then take some action on what he suggested.

Do as I say, not as I do

We often hear it said, "Do as I say, not as I do."  Which we all know is a statement where we have no moral authority or integrity.  If we are telling people to do something that we do not do, then we have no real authority to tell them to do something that we currently do not do.

However, there is a great amount of influence that we have for looking back on things and being able to think reflectively.  When we are able to reflect on our experiences, learn from what we did incorrect, and then pass that information along to others, it is a very powerful way to share wisdom.

I noticed this when meeting with a mentor at my favorite place, Starbucks (I love a tall Christmas Blend, no room).  He was advising me on an experience he had about thirty years earlier in his life, and had advised me to "Do as he says, not as he did."  I took that advice with great appreciation knowing that he has had over thirty years to reflect on that experience.

There is very little power in "Do as I say, not as I do."  But there is a tremendous amount of power in "Do as I say, not as I did."  Because we can't always change our past, but we can certainly learn from it and pour into others.

First Steps in Mentoring

"Successful people, people who are where you want to be, are willing to acknowledge what they don't know."
Andy Stanley, The Principle of the Path

Monday night I had coffee with a friend who asked me if I could mentor him on leadership. 

Usually my first response to someone who asks for my time is an automatic "no."  We are all too busy in life and lately my time has been stretched more than normal.  However, this request was from a good friend who was sincere in his desire to learn about leadership so I said yes.  We met for coffee and enjoyed an hour talking about leadership and how he can become a leader.

The first assignment I gave him was to read You Don't Need a Title to be a Leader by Mark Sanborn.  This is a great book for anyone who is interested in leadership, but does not have a formal position as a leader.

As we began talking, I quickly realized there would be three steps to the mentoring process my friend needed to work through.  The process became:

1. Identify his limiting beliefs - In our dialogue it was clear that there were several elements of his identity and the way he views himself that would prevent him from leading effectively.
2. Work to prove those beliefs to be incorrect - Some of the beliefs he has about himself are incorrect and need to be proved wrong. 
3. Identify and develop strengths - Focusing on strengths is important and will be vital to improving his belief in himself as a leader.

We took time to talk about reasons he believed he wasn't a leader, we worked on those beliefs, and we looked to identify his strengths so they could be built on and developed.  After an hour we barely scratched the surface of how my friend can improve his leadership, but we're both excited for the future of what's to come.

These three steps might not be the perfect mentoring process to follow, but it was one which was beneficial Monday night.  Maybe you can employ these steps in mentoring to help someone else.

Either way, I look forward to meeting with my friend again to continue helping him improve as a leader.

Preparing for Being Mentored

Yesterday I wrote about The Need for Being Mentored. Now for some follow up thoughts from yesterday's post showing you how I prepare for meetings with my mentors.

Preparation is a key element to any leader getting the most out of his mentoring relationship. Whenever I meet with Steve or Mike, we never get together unless I have provided them with 5 - 10 pages of preparation notes several days before our meeting.

These preparation notes gives them the info they need to aide their mentoring and coaching of me. Here's that I include in the mentoring preparation that I give to them.

1. "Here's What You Said" - This is where I re-write all the notes I took from the last time we met. I rewrite all the key phrases, advice, principles and philosophies they told me. Whenever I write down the Here's What You Said stuff, the mentor is sometimes surprised and says, "Did I really say that?" In a way, they are actually learning through our mentoring relationship because they're seeing their words in print and it helps them to clarify their thinking and content.
2. "Here's What I Did" - This is where I outline all of the work I've been doing since we last met. I will tell them what I did to act on the advice and coaching they gave me. I tell them what's happening at work and personally. I do my best to paint a picture for them of what I've been doing and how I'm making progress on my vision, dreams and goals.
3. "Here's What I Learned" - This is where I share my distinctions on what I've learned from what they said and what I've done over the past month. I talk about how I'm applying what they taught me and what it means to me.
4. "Here's What I Need Coaching On" - This is where I list 3 - 5 areas that I need some coaching and help from my mentor. I will tell him about areas that I'm working on where I need some coaching and mentoring. I'll tell them about a critical decision I need to make, personal relationships stuff, or I'll share with them an area in work and my own leadership that I think I can do a better job. Even though I provide several different coaching topics, I leave it up to my mentor to pick one and give me coaching based on what he thinks I need the most help with and what he can offer the most help with too.

These preparation notes allows my mentors to have a clear picture of where I am, so they can do the best job possible to help me get where I want to go.

The Need for Being Mentored

It's no secret that leaders need mentors in their life. They need someone who has been further, who is older and who is more experienced than the leader so that he can learn and glean from that mentor.

Because leaders are often being stretched, they need a mentor who can come alongside them to help and support them in their work.

Because leaders often have a big vision for the future they need someone who can mentor them and help them in their growth.

Because leaders' vision are often so much bigger than themselves and their ability, they need all the help they can get.

And a mentor is a perfect way to help aide the leader in his growth and development professionally and personally.

I personally have two mentors in my life: Steve Elliott and Mike Savage.

Every month I spend about an hour with each of them. Steve and I meet at Starbucks at 6am on the first Wednesday of the month, and Mike and I often talk on the phone once a month on the weekend.

Tomorrow I'll make a post where I share with you how I prepare for my two mentors. I have a great system that I use which allows me to get the most of out their time and expertise.

Believe in others more than they believe in themselves

On this blog I talk a lot about the role and job of a leader.

Well,
Here’s another one!

I believe that the role and job of a leader is to help people to see what they are capable of.

If you asked a room full of people, “Who here has achieved something that you never thought would be possible because someone else believed that you could? I guarantee that a majority of the hands in the room would go up.

One of the things that have had a significant impact on my life are the several people who believed much more in me than I have believed in myself at certain times.

They believed in me when I didn’t, and as a result I often did more to serve and help people than I ever thought I could.

Often a word of encouragement or acknowledgment of a job well done is all that it takes.

In your role as a leader, remember that sometimes you're called on to believe in others. See their potential and help to draw it out of them.

How to be Mentored

Currently I have two official mentors in my life. One is a mentor for achievement and life skills, the other is a mentor for me specifically on leadership. Both relationships have been extremely valuable in my growth as a leader.

In an effort to help young leaders who want the benefits of a mentoring relationship, I’ve put together a list of four things I believe will help people who want to be mentored:

1. Seek out a mentor – Make sure you find a mentor that fits well with who you want to become. In Mark Sanborn’s book, You Don’t Need a Title to be a Leader he says, “Find role models worthy of your attention, those who lead their lives and organizations in the manner you aspire to lead, those who have made a difference to others as you would like to.” – Well said Mark!
2. Be teachable – Once you find the right mentor, you need to become teachable. Be aware that your mentor knows more than you, and he only wants to help you. Have a mindset where you are ready to learn and try new things.
3. Be vulnerable – Part of the mentoring process involves you receiving some self-criticism from your mentor. A great mentor will help to point our your weaknesses and offer his help to improve those weaknesses. It’s your job as a mentee to be vulnerable and open-minded to accept what he says.
4. Be a Doer – If your mentor suggests that you do something, make sure you do it. If he recommends a book, go buy it and read it as soon as possible. If he asks you to do something for him, do it for him without complaining. Make sure you take action on this advice, because if you don’t take action he will stopping giving advice to you.

Mentors often can help us get where we want to go faster because they have already been there. They have their map for success that will help us in our journey.

To learn more on mentoring, take a look at my post, Who Needs a Mentor?

Walking with people who are great

One of the things I’ve worked extremely hard on the last year is to surround myself with people who are the best at what they do. Whether it be athletes, speakers, leaders, coaches, or writers, I’ve done whatever I could to put myself in situations where I had the opportunity to spend time with the best of the best.

As a result I’ve had the pleasure of spending time with, and working with Jason Womack over the last year. Just being in his presence has made me sharp when it comes to productivity and managing what I do with my time (not managing my time).

There are several people in my office who admire how easily I manage projects and complete tasks. They wonder how I can send, receive, and process emails without ever having to touch the mouse.

This is just a byproduct of spending time with Jason. It’s that simple, I didn’t have to pay $5,000 to attend a weeklong conference on time management. I just spent some time with him one-to-one, I helped him put together two workshops, and I’ve read his blog for a while now.

Several years ago I read a great book by Claude M. Bristol called, The Magic of Believing. In the book Claude stated, “If you want to be great, you have to walk with people who are great.”

Surround yourself with the best, and even though you might not become the best, you will become better.

What Not to Do (or say)

Recently while reading Grassroots Philanthropy by Bill Somerville I realized that knowing what not to do is just as important as knowing what to do. In his book, Bill says, “In other words, I couldn’t have received any better preparation for my subsequent career as a foundation executive. I knew exactly what not to do.” He is referring to his young years digging through piles of paperwork and miles of bureaucracy while applying and keeping up with grants.

In my new eBook I talk about mentors and how important they are. I also explain that you can learn just as much from people who are bad at what they do, as you can from people who are good at what they do.

Start by listening to what successful and unsuccessful people say. You’ll be surprised at their difference in words and attitude towards other people.

Before you know it, you will know exactly what not to say.

It's Getting Longer

If you’ve read my writing on this blog for a while then you’ve probably noticed that the length and content of my posts are getting longer. This is something that I’m very excited about not just because there are more words, but there is more I have to share about leadership.

When I first started writing my posts where very short, small, and quick. The truth being that I didn’t have very much to say. Over the last several years I’ve learned and grown so much as a leader, and it’s such a great joy to be able to share what I’ve learned about leadership with you.

Who needs a mentor?

I need one and you need one.

Mentors are great because they teach us what they’ve learned and they increase our learning curve. They help us get to where we want to go faster because they have already been there.

So, who needs a mentor?

• CEOs
• Writers
• Dads
• Homeless
• Speakers
• Moms
• Leaders
• Youth
• Teachers
• Coaches
• Secretaries
• Middle Managers
• Pastors

I’ve been very fortunate to have several mentors in my life. These are people who were kind enough to share their years of knowledge and wisdom with me. Because of them I’ve been able to push harder and go farther.

Zig Ziglar talks about his Wall of Gratitude which he has in his office. It features the pictures of 27 people who have made a dramatic difference in his life.

Just a little piece of advice when looking for a mentor: make sure your mentor is good at what he will mentor you on. When I first started writing I met a lady who called herself a “writer.” We exchanged business cards and I called her later that week to set-up a date and time for us to talk. I was very excited to learn more about writing from her in hopes she could help me to improve me writing. When I met her for coffee, I quickly realized that I had done more writing than her. 

Ask any successful person and he will tell you that he has went further in life because someone else believed more in him than he believed in himself. A mentor has the knowledge, experience and belief to help you go farther in life than you think you can.

A mentor doesn't have to be someone you have met him in person. A mentor is someone who you can read about or watch speak. It’s someone who you can learn from and adapt his ideas and way of thinking into your own life.

I recently read an excerpt from the Hall of Fame Baseball player, Reggie Jackson who stated:

"A great manager has a knack for making ballplayers think they are better than they think they are. He forces you to have a good opinion of yourself. He lets you know he believes in you. He makes you get more out of yourself. And once you learn how good you really are, you never settle for playing anything less than your very best."

If you don’t have a mentor, go find one!

Who can you insult?

I came across this interesting post tonight as I was reading some of my favorite blogs.

Michael makes some great points about how we need to be "insulted."  I've always thought that we need someone to come along and rock our boat.  There have been many times where I had a mentor come by and give me a kick in the butt and let me know I needed to get my act together.

As I think back on those times they are some of the turning points for me as a leader.

So,
Check it out and see who you can insult!

Leaders are Always Preparing

Everyday as leaders we are preparing.  We are preparing to pass or fail, preparing to do better or worse, preparing to lead others more effectively or ineffectively.  We prepare by dedicating our lives to continuing to grow, develop and learn.        

• Read as many positive, informative, encouraging books as you possibly can
• Attend as many positive, informative, encouraging seminars as you possibly can.       
• Surround yourself with as many positive, informative, encouraging people  as you possibly can.

Because this is what will prepare you to lead others and take your nonprofit, business, or church to the next level.

Leadership as a Noun and Verb

While sitting down for dinner with my friend and mentor Jason Womack we began to brainstorm about leadership.   As we were exchanging ideas, beliefs and viewpoints Jason said, “There are two parts of leadership; there is the ‘noun’ and the ‘verb’.” 

I had to take a second to reflect and think, because what he said was very true and insightful. 

On Monday and Tuesday I will explain more thoughts on the noun and verb of leadership.  For now, here is a sneak peak. . .
- - - - - - - - -
I can’t make either of these posts without defining the words, noun and verb:

• Noun: Word used to name a person, place, thing or concept
• Verb: Word used to indicate action, a state, or an occurrence

Digging a little deeper I realized that what Jason said was true, there is the noun and the verb of leadership.  The noun are the qualities that a leader has, and the verb are the actions that a leader performs.  More on this Monday and Tuesday.